The Give and Take Society: The debt of receiving

The Give and Take Society continues after this notice…

The Give and Take Society, the debt of receiving

Belonging Without Earning

It was unusual to go to the cinema early afternoon on Saturday. Ruud and I are usually early week night people. “It’s less busy, less noisy,” I always say. And he shoots back something witty, “Except for you eating popcorn.” But last week everything got double booked and everyone suddenly felt back in full swing. So we booked a random movie in the only time slot we had, escaped for two hours, and let someone else’s story carry our brains for a bit.

While we were waiting for the movie to start, we got into one of those conversations that begins casually and then you realise you are talking about everything. Self transformation. Boundaries. The future. That messy feeling of trying to stay grounded when the world keeps shifting.

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Belonging cannot depend on balance.

Gregg the Artivist

And then Ruud said something mid conversation that sounded simple, but landed heavy.

I cannot remember the exact context. I just remember the phrase landing: giving and taking, versus giving and receiving.

I do not know why it hit me the way it did. Give and take is such a normal phrase. We say it like it is wisdom. Like it is just how things work. Neutral even.

But the more I sat with it, the more it stopped feeling neutral.

Read my article: Nostalgia as a Coping Mechanism

Giving and taking as a place we live from

Because giving and taking is not just language. It is a way of living. A place we live from. And the more I watched myself and the people around me, the more I saw how easily it turns life into a transaction.

I do my part, you do yours.

That sounds fair. That sounds reasonable. But it can slide into something I do not like.

I give, therefore I deserve.

And worse, it can slide into this quiet fear that sits underneath so much of modern life.

If I cannot give, I am a burden.

If you take, you owe.

 Give and Take Society: The debt of receiving

And the wild part is how often it shows up with good intentions. People want to be fair. They want to do the right thing. They want to be a good person. But somewhere along the way, receiving becomes uncomfortable. It stops feeling like care and starts feeling like debt.

I recognise this, not only in my own past behaviours, but in people I have helped out since. I offer something small, something kind, and I can see the internal scramble begin.

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We have been trained to live by giving and taking, like life is a deal we are constantly negotiating.

Gregg the Artivist

How do I repay this? What do they want from me? Why are they being kind?

As soon as I see them ticking over, I find myself justifying it.

"Please accept this as a kind gesture. I do not expect anything in return."

Or I tell them the truth: some of the biggest turning points in my life came from the simple kindness of strangers.

And I hate that I understand it when I see it, because I have been there.

Because I think we have learned to distrust unconditional gestures. We have learned to treat kindness like a contract. We have learned to assume that care comes with a hidden invoice.

What are you being kind to me for? What do you want from me? It creates paranoia, even in moments that should feel safe. And once you see that, you start noticing it everywhere. In how we apologise for needing help. In how quickly we say “I owe you one.” In how many of us feel shame the moment we are not useful.

When care becomes accounting

I have come to this realisation about the give and take society:

We have been trained to live by giving and taking, like life is a deal we are constantly negotiating. And that training fits perfectly inside the system we are living in. A culture shaped by capitalism and individualism. A culture that quietly rewards independence, productivity, and self sufficiency, even when we are falling apart.

But community simply cannot survive on transactions alone.

Community survives on trust. On mutual care. On people being allowed to receive.

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When care becomes accounting, belonging starts to feel conditional and people disappear exactly when they most need community.

Gregg the Artivist

And this matters even more in uncertain times, when the ground keeps moving and people are carrying more than they can hold. Because when giving and receiving is transactional, it becomes accounting. We track what is given and what is received. We keep mental spreadsheets. We try to keep everything fair.

But keeping score is a luxury. And we are not all equal.

When people are stretched, sick, grieving, burnt out, or displaced, they cannot always reciprocate. They cannot always show up with the same energy. They cannot always pay it back. And if belonging depends on balance, people disappear exactly when they most need community.

Give and Take Society: Belonging without earning

Belonging cannot depend on balance. Resilience is not me versus the world. It is us, making room for each other, even when we cannot pay it back.

So maybe the point is not to ban the phrase give and take. Maybe the point is to notice what it trains in us. The reflex. The fear. The shame around receiving. The suspicion around kindness.

I keep thinking about that tiny language shift Ruud offered me. It feels small, but it changes everything.

Because a system that turns care into a transaction trains us to fear each other.

And if we want resilience, we have to build cultures of mutual care that do not depend on keeping score.

Not as a slogan. As a daily practice.

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Because a system that turns care into a transaction trains us to fear each other.

Gregg the Artivist

A small practice for this week

This week, I am trying something small. When someone offers help, I am practising saying yes without immediately reaching for repayment. No explaining. No bargaining. No “I owe you.” Just thank you. Just receiving. Just letting care land.

It feels unfamiliar. Which probably tells me everything.

Read my article: Choosing What Builds Life

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Give and Take Society: Further 'off site' Reading

1. Gift economy, Wikipedia - A gift economy describes exchange shaped by social norms, where giving is not an explicit contract for immediate return.
2. Mutual aid, Wikipedia - Mutual aid is community based support where people share resources and services for common benefit, often especially during crisis.
3. What is mutual aid and why people are turning to it, Associated Press - A current overview of mutual aid as grassroots solidarity, especially in hard times, contrasted with charity models.

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